Plenty of ears

We're walking home from school.  As usual, Jeremy is talking constantly on one side of me, and Abigail is keeping up her own monologue on the other.

Me: I really can't listen to both of you at the same time!

Abi: But you have two ears.  Use one ear for me and one ear for Jem Jem.

Me: My ears can hear you, but my brain can't sort out what you're saying!

Abi: Well, use your ears inside that.

Me: I don't think I have any more ears inside that!

Abi: I have a whole museum of ears.

Me: A museum of ears?!  That may be one of the strangest things I've heard all day.

Abi: It's an ear room.  I can hear the wind rustling AND that car driving at the same time.  So you see, I have plenty of ears.

After school chat

Today I had Jeremy to myself for a bit after school, as Abi was at the dentist with TheRev.  I opened his book bag to see if he'd brought any homework back fr the weekend, and found a paper covered with lines of squiggles.  (Note: Children's names have been changed in the following conversation. I don't *think* there is a Christine or a Davy in Jem's class, but if there are then I apologise to them. It wasn't them!)

The List

Me: Oh, this is good.  You've done some writing today?

Jem: I maked a list.

Me: I see!  A list of what?

Jem: It's a list like Father Christmas.  I putted Christine on the naughty list.

Me: Oh...kaaaay...Who is on the good list?

Jem: Everyone in the class except Christine.

Me: Oh dear.  What did Christine do to be put on the naughty list?!

Jem: She stole mine and Davy's chicks.

Me: Your chips?  At lunchtime?

Jem: No, CHICKS.  They were having a bath, but she thought the cup we was using was not a bath so she took them and I putted her on the naughty list.

Me: I see you've put yourself on this list, too.

Jem: No. That's just so people know it's MY list.

Me: Ah.  Right.

Jem: Did you know school has rules?

Me: I expect it does, yes.  What are the school rules?

Jem: They're the same as our rules.

Me: For example?

Jem: No hitting and no kicking and no bubbling in your juice and everything.

Me: Of course...

Jem: But that's not how the school rules song goes.  And at school there are more rules.

Me: What's a school rule that isn't a rule we have at home?

Jem: No lying down on the floor.

He then asked to go round to a friend's house and disappeared.  Apparently, having a schoolboy means I never get to see him.  I hope he's forgiven Christine by Monday...

The Muffin Queen

TheRev: I'd quite like a muffin.
Me: Oh, we don't have any.  But we do have crumpets.  I'd quite like a crumpet.
TheRev: They're the same thing. Some people call crumpets, muffins.
Me: Nonsense.  Crumpets and muffins are completely different.
TheRev: Well, I'd still like a muffin.
Me: Sorry, we don't have any, but would you like a crumpet?
TheRev: I can call them muffins if I like.
Me: Look, there are two different things that a muffin could mean, and neither of them is a crumpet.
TheRev: Who died and made you Muffin Queen?
Me: (Gingerbread Man voice from Shrek:) The muffin queeeen?!
*Giggling*

A very handsome nose

Abigail draws a long line of little shapeless figures, and gives each of them a smile and one dot.  "That's you...and Aunty Madeleine...and Aunty Katy...and Aunty Lili..."
"Why do we all only have one eye?" I ask.
"The others are on the other side."
Then, just I'm marvelling that she's worked out perspective, she goes back along the line adding a second dot to each face.
"Oh, no, Abi!" - I'm cursing myself for interfering - "Don't put the other eyes in - you were quite right that they should be on the other side!"
She blinks at the drawing dispassionately.  "No, those are the noses."
Thank heaven.
"Aunty Madeleine​ has a very handsome nose," she says as she adds it.

Lots of naughty

Here's a tiny drama from this morning.

The scene: It's Sunday morning.  Abigail has got up early, refused anything resembling breakfast and eventually agreed to eat her untouched school packed lunch from the fridge.  Mummy has left her with this and CBeebies, made herself a cup of tea and gone upstairs to sort things out.  Jeremy has pottered down to watch CBeebies, and TheRev is in the study, printing stuff.

Mummy comes back down the stairs to find Abi waiting at the bottom.

Abi: (With relish) Mummy! I beened lots of naughty.

Mummy: Uh oh.

Abi: But, I want to be friends.

Mummy: Okay.  Well, what did you do?

Abi: I eated my spoon.

Mummy: Sorry.  You ate your what?

Abi: My spoon.

Mummy: Your - I - I'm not sure I've understood.  You ate a spoon?

Abi: Can we be friends?

Mummy: A spoon?  Are you sure?

Abi: Yes.

Mummy: Can you show me?

Abi leads Mummy to the sitting room and points to the remains of her packed lunch.  The plastic baby spoon which was with the (unopened) yoghurt now only has half a spoon on the handle.

Mummy: You ATE a SPOON?  But how...why...I mean, the other bit must be somewhere!  Did you swallow it?

Abi: Are we friends?

Mummy: Yes but where's the SPOON?  Is it in your tummy?

Abi: I don't know.  I spitted it out.

Mummy: Then why can't I see it anywhere?

Jem: Abi putted cheese on mine train.

Mummy: Oh.  Yes, I can see that, but - Jem, did you see her eat a spoon?

Jem: *proffering train* Clean it!

Mummy: I can't really...here, have a wipe...Daddy, come in here, I think Abi has actually eaten a spoon!

Daddy: I'm coming!  That's just printing, I can help get the kids dressed.

Mummy: They are already dressed.  The issue here is that one of them has eaten a spoon.

There follows a time of panic as we both hunt for the other bit of the spoon and consider the idea that our food phobic daughter has managed to consume a sharp bit of plastic for breakfast

Daddy: It's really gone!

Mummy: What's that in...Jeremy's hair!  It's in his hair!


Yes, that funny green thing in Jem's hair was really the top of the spoon, affixed with cream cheese.

It is a miracle every Sunday that we get to church on time.

Y,O,G,H,U,R,T

TheRev: Do you think Abi would like a Y,O,G,H,U,R,T?

Me: I don't know.  Abi, would you like a Y,O,G,H,U,R,T?

Abi: Yes please!

Me: (suspiciously) Do you know what a Y,O,G,H,U,R,T is?

Abi: A blue one?

Me: A blue one?!  (She doesn't know her colours, so this could mean anything) What do you do with a Y,O,G,H,U,R,T?

Abi: I put it in a pot and I paint it on the wall!

Heaven knows what she thought I was talking about...then again, her assessment of what she would do with it is probably not all that far from reality!

The Potty Training One

Disclaimer: Ok.  I promise you, this will be the only time that I talk about potty training on my blog.  It's a subject that no non-parent really wants to read about.  It's a prerequisite of every parenting blog, though, isn't it?  And it was mildly amusing.  Well, it was if you were there at the time.

We're not really potty training yet.  It's taken several months to persuade Abigail to sit on the wretched thing - it used to scare her.  Perhaps she thought it was going to swallow her, bottom first.  Anyway, she now sits on it and counts to 10, before and after her bath.  This does marvels for her counting ability,but so far not much for actually using the potty.

A couple of nights ago, TheRev had the foresight to get her on the potty just as she was starting to, ah, bear down.  So for the first time, something actually went into the potty that wasn't a book, a teddy or a stolen piece of my jewellery.  As a result, I did a little dance and song and fed her chocolate.  Apparently this conventional first-potty-success ceremony was a mistake.  This evening:

Me: Abi, ready to sit on the potty?

Abi: (sitting down) Chocolate.

Me: Oh.  Um, no, that's for when you do a poo on the potty.  Not just for sitting.

Abi: Chocolate?

Me: (Realising that we've never actually discussed this with her) No sweetie, you have to do a poo, like before, remember?  That's why I gave...

Abi: *grunting noises* No poo.  Chocolate?

Me: (Abandoning all plans and principles) Or a wee?  I'll give you chocolate for a wee too.

Abi: I finished.  Chocolate?

Me: But there still isn't actually anything in the potty, darling.  Do you want your nappy back on?

Abi: No. Chocolate.

Me: (At this point I am mentally scrabbling through the kitchen cupboard to work out whether I have anything that even slightly resembles chocolate, and drawing a blank, because shopping day is tomorrow) But...you have to do a poo first. Or a wee.

Abi: (sitting back down, sweetly) Go and find some chocolate to me, and I do a wee.

(She didn't)

Marvellous. Pretty much her first use of a conditional clause, and it's to bribe Mummy for chocolate.  What an excellent job I'm doing of this whole parenting thing.