Posted December 29th 2009:
Abigail didn't do too well on the breast for her first week, she kept fighting it and screaming overnight, but then she'd sleep for most of the day. I was worried enough that I saw 3 midwives, phoned a 4th and also phoned a breastfeeding counsellor, but was told by all of them that I was fine, doing the right thing, that breastfeeding was hard and I should stick at it.
Not one of them thought to look at Abigail and see if I was right that she wasn't getting enough milk.
So, the midwife came to do a routine test on Abigail on Christmas day, just as we were about to sit down to lunch, and at the same time she weighed her and discovered that she had lost 20% of her body weight. Newborns are meant to lose a maximum of 10% in the first week, so this was obviously serious and we were advised to go straight into hospital.
When they examined Abigail, she was severely dehydrated and her sodium levels were so high that she was at risk of a stroke. They put her on a drip and we had to wake her up every three hours to bottle feed her with formula. I also had to pump breast milk every three hours to see how much I was making and 'top up' the formula feed. They tested her blood every six hours and the sodium level came down slowly. We were finally sent home on the night of the 27th, which was a real relief as they weren't going to let DH stay in with us for another night (they were nice to us at first because it was Christmas, but now they wanted to enforce visiting hours again.)
We had to go back in yesterday for another blood test, and they were making noises about our doing that for the next few days, but in fact the results came back fine and we were discharged - another huge relief.
So, we're home. I don't have an electric breast pump and my hand one is hopeless, so I'm still 'breastfeeding' Abi Jane every three hours before giving her formula, although I have completely lost confidence in it - I have no idea whether she's getting anything, and she seems more and more reluctant to latch on, which makes me very sad as it means my milk supply could dry up. But we have to do what's necessary to keep her healthy.
Abi is fine, she's thriving, has put most of the weight back on (though there is still some way to go to catch up on the weight she should be by now) but she still isn't crying to be fed, so we're relying on our alarm clocks and forgetting any idea of having a life for a while.
DH has been brilliant, he stayed with her for every blood test while I had to leave the room and cry in a corner, he's sorted out all the practical side of the feeds, sterilising bottles and researching formulas.
I'm not coping quite so well. I'm OK with the routine, but mentally I'm a bit of a wreck. The 'baby blues' that happen hormonally at about this stage, combined with the shock of being rushed to hospital, the stress over Abi's condition and the sadness about not being able to breastfeed have left me a bit of an emotional puddle. I also feel incredibly guilty. It doesn't matter how many people tell me it's not my fault, and I know rationally that the 4 midwives and 1 breastfeeding counsellor that I asked for help over the last week are more to blame than me! But my heart is telling me that my baby spent her first Christmas at risk of a stroke and being poked with needles because a) I hadn't fed her properly and b) I hadn't noticed how sick she was. I can't look at any of the photos from the first week, because I know that although we were so happy and she looked so content, she was actually hungry and miserable. It's ruined all my excitement about her great birth story and happy arrival, and it's taken away my confidence that I can cope.
Posted January 12th 2010:
So we came home from hospital breastfeeding and "topping up" with a bottle. Now, we're trying to get back to breastfeeding, but this is turning out to be well nigh IMPOSSIBLE. A sample of the madness:
- Abi, who at first wouldn't go on the breast at all, now feeds happily from the left side and not the right.
- So I have a left breast with a really sore nipple, and a right breast with mastitis through not being emptied.
- So every feed is excruciating.
So now, it goes like this: Each time Abi wants food, I try her on the right breast, she refuses, I pump it and put her on again, she latches on for a bit, then cries again, I give her what I pumped, she cries again, I put her on the left breast, I start crying, she latches on and feeds for about 20 minutes or until I can't stand it, then about half an hour later she cries again, I give her a 'top up' of formula.
By this time we're both covered in tears and milk, and we've worked ourselves about an hour towards time for the next feed.
Abi seems to be constantly hungry, doesn't sleep between feeds, just snacks all the time.
But at night, when I chicken out of offering the breast, she has a full feed of formula, goes straight to sleep and sleeps for 5 hours.
So I just have one question. How much longer do I carry on torturing myself like this? When do I throw in the towel and go over to bottles? I SO wanted to breastfeed. I really, really did.
And finally, posted March 17th 2010:
Abi Jane has been completely breastfed for just over a week!!
She chose to drop the bedtime bottle herself, she just started refusing it and although it means that she's now waking at 2 and 5 every morning...I couldn't be a happier Mummy!
It's taken:
3 midwives
2 breastfeeding consultants
6 weeks of cracked nipples
1 bout of mastitis
and 12 exhausting weeks
but we've done it!
Of course, we weren't at the end of the road even then - I still had one bout of mastitis to go when I posted that, and Abigail continued to insist on feeding with me lying down from one side and sitting up from the other, making excursions a nightmare - but it's good to look back and remember how happy I was to have achieved it. Abi continued to be exclusively breastfed until we began weaning at around 6 months.
