Saturday, 18 August 2012

The Mummy Reports

Jeremy writes:

My Mummy has now been my Mummy for nearly three months.  It's time I gave her a progress report and highlighted the areas in which she could improve.  Here's how she scored in all the essential areas of Mummyhood:

Availability: 4/10
She lets me sleep in her bed, but what good is that?! I'm asleep then!  During the day she keeps going off to do stuff, or she puts me down while she plays with my pesky big sister.  Sometimes she ties me to her front in these big bits of fabric, which is OK, (although I get crumbs in my hair if she eats toast).  She's a bit of a wimp about it, though - she hasn't been doing it for the last few days.  Says it's too hot.  She keeps trying to carry me in different places on her body, or using different ways of tying the fabric, so that she can get more done. I only like being on her front, so I have to shout at her.
The other day she actually had the nerve to be ill for a whole day.  Honestly!  How inconvenient!

Food: 8/10
The milk is pretty yummy, I have to admit, and there's plenty of it.  It's just that sometimes the delivery system seems to be a bit faulty. It comes out jolly fast and gives me hiccups.

Physical Care: 5/10
I enjoy the baths.  Don't see why I have to share them with my sister, though.  Didn't appreciate being scrubbed by my sister, with the net bag that's meant to hold her bath toys.  Was at least 30 seconds before Mummy noticed and stopped her.
Sometimes she doesn't bother to change my nappy at 4am; she just feeds me back to sleep.  I call that lazy.
She gets me up in all these daft cloth nappies, too.  Absolutely potty about them, she is.  She buys them on the internet.  She bought me one with aeroplanes on it last week.  Aeroplanes!  I ask you!  I don't even know what an aeroplane is.

Environment: 3/10
This house is a TIP.  There is simply no other way to describe it.  Also, I think she could provide a few more toys.  She seems to think that I might find random objects, like bracelets or laundry baskets, entertaining.  She's put me in a chair in front of the washing machine more than once when there's a perfectly good television in the other room.  There's a string of toys across the chair, but there's only so many times you can grab a blue elephant's trunk before it gets bor...OOH! BLUE ELEPHANT! *LUNGE* missed *LUNGE* missed...what was I talking about?

Entertainment Value: 10/10
You've got me there.  She only has to look at me and I can't help laughing.  What can I say?  The woman has a hilarious face.

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