Just in case anybody is secretly wondering about the state of my house at the moment, I thought I'd give you a glimpse of how to hoover a hallway the way that I do it. In twenty simple steps...
1) Decide that the hallway needs hoovering.
2) Wait for three days while a large filing cabinet takes up residence in the hallway, waiting to be moved into the study.
3) Wait another couple of days until a day when it's pouring with rain and you have the whole day set aside for nothing other than hoovering the hallway.
4) Get up. Feed the baby. Have breakfast. Feed the baby. Dress two children. Give one of them breakfast. Feed the other one. Clear away breakfast.
5) Well done! Now you have nothing else to do other than to hoover the hallway!
6) Change the baby's nappy.
7) Put a YouTube video of Momo's Rainbow Song on to keep children amused.
8) Look for the hoover. Extract it from the cupboard under the stairs, where it is underneath several random things like toilet seats and pushchairs. In doing so, find the toy hoover. Pull it out, break it, fix it, offer it to the toddler who will ignore it and demand more videos.
9) Find another YouTube video.
10) Look for somewhere to plug the hoover in. Discover that the only electrical socket is behind a large piece of heavy furniture. Spend about ten minutes manoeuvring the bookcase two inches away from the wall.
11) Go to put on another video. Discover that the toddler has got hold of a box of matches and emptied them all over the living room carpet. Collect all the matches. Discover that, once you've emptied a box of matches, there is no way to replace them all in the box so that it closes. Place pile of matches and box out of toddler's reach.
12) Switch the hoover on. Begin hoovering.
13) Notice that the hoover is not actually picking anything up.
14) Try to fix the problem. Fail.
15) Have a break. Feed the baby. Change the baby's nappy. Put on another video.
16) Go upstairs, fetch a second hoover. Put first hoover in cupboard. Repeat most of the above steps until second hoover is plugged in.
17) Put on another video, build a train set and repair a toy car.
18) Change the toddler's nappy.
19) Hoover the hallway!
20) Put hoover away, replace furniture, go to prepare lunch...
1) Decide that the hallway needs hoovering.
2) Wait for three days while a large filing cabinet takes up residence in the hallway, waiting to be moved into the study.
3) Wait another couple of days until a day when it's pouring with rain and you have the whole day set aside for nothing other than hoovering the hallway.
4) Get up. Feed the baby. Have breakfast. Feed the baby. Dress two children. Give one of them breakfast. Feed the other one. Clear away breakfast.
5) Well done! Now you have nothing else to do other than to hoover the hallway!
6) Change the baby's nappy.
7) Put a YouTube video of Momo's Rainbow Song on to keep children amused.
8) Look for the hoover. Extract it from the cupboard under the stairs, where it is underneath several random things like toilet seats and pushchairs. In doing so, find the toy hoover. Pull it out, break it, fix it, offer it to the toddler who will ignore it and demand more videos.
9) Find another YouTube video.
10) Look for somewhere to plug the hoover in. Discover that the only electrical socket is behind a large piece of heavy furniture. Spend about ten minutes manoeuvring the bookcase two inches away from the wall.
11) Go to put on another video. Discover that the toddler has got hold of a box of matches and emptied them all over the living room carpet. Collect all the matches. Discover that, once you've emptied a box of matches, there is no way to replace them all in the box so that it closes. Place pile of matches and box out of toddler's reach.
12) Switch the hoover on. Begin hoovering.
13) Notice that the hoover is not actually picking anything up.
14) Try to fix the problem. Fail.
15) Have a break. Feed the baby. Change the baby's nappy. Put on another video.
16) Go upstairs, fetch a second hoover. Put first hoover in cupboard. Repeat most of the above steps until second hoover is plugged in.
17) Put on another video, build a train set and repair a toy car.
18) Change the toddler's nappy.
19) Hoover the hallway!
20) Put hoover away, replace furniture, go to prepare lunch...
1 comment:
"... and wait ten minutes for the toddler to decide to feed the ducks crumbled up biscuits in the hallway" or some such thing would be the way this post would end in my house.
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