Sunday, 13 January 2013
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Wednesday, 9 January 2013
The Mummy Reports 3
My Mummy has now been my Mummy for seven and a half and a bit months. It's time I updated my ratings of her performance as a Mummy.
Availability: 5/10
Mummy is beginning to learn that it's no good trying to leave me anywhere by myself for very long; I can lean and reach things quite far away now, and if she wanders off, all I have to do is grab something small and bring it to my mouth and she races back again. I am working on being able to crawl so that I can chase her, but by then I might have her so well trained that I won't need to. She is spending quite a lot of money on wraps to carry me on her back, all in different pretty colours. Although this is silly behaviour (I really don't mind what the thing looks like!) I encourage it because the more expensive the wrap, the longer she will have to use it in order to get away without a guilty conscience. Her newest one should keep us going for at least another year.
Food: 8/10
At last, Mummy let me eat what she eats! She gave me my first food about two months ago. I can eat anything now, so long as it is not so small and pesky that I can't get hold of it. I never realised that food could be so much fun! Everybody else is so boring when it comes to eating! I like to rub mine into my hair, see how much of it I can hide under my chin, drop pieces inside my babygrow to save for later (especially fun in those onesies with feet) and use it to paint the kitchen alternative colours.
I have to say, though, that Mummy does not quite reach full marks on this one, because I have noticed that what she serves has become quite samey. I'm sure she has repeated several meals more than once, and she seems to show a dislike for anything sticky or brightly coloured. Odd, because those foods would be the most fun to play with.
Physical Care: 3/10
I still have no clothes. Sometimes Mummy leaves me in a sleepsuit all day - it's not dignified. I've also spotted her putting me in outgrown stuff from my sister. Someone needs to let her know that's not on. I don't care if Abigail did wear a lot of blue; if it has puff sleeves, it's not for boys!
Environment: 7/10
We've been getting out and about a bit recently. I like that - different things to look at. We visited Nanou and Papy, so I had a whole new house to explore. Can't say they let me explore it much. Can't say I agree with Nanou that knitting needles make bad teethers. For a while I thought Mummy had really got the hang of improving things at home, because she brought in an enormous tree and covered it in flashy lights, but then only a few weeks later she took it away again. Odd.
Entertainment Value: 10/10
I live in a family of stand-up comedians, but Mummy is the funniest. You should see her doing the Groovy Moves from Show Me Show Me when she thinks no-one's watching.
Availability: 5/10
Mummy is beginning to learn that it's no good trying to leave me anywhere by myself for very long; I can lean and reach things quite far away now, and if she wanders off, all I have to do is grab something small and bring it to my mouth and she races back again. I am working on being able to crawl so that I can chase her, but by then I might have her so well trained that I won't need to. She is spending quite a lot of money on wraps to carry me on her back, all in different pretty colours. Although this is silly behaviour (I really don't mind what the thing looks like!) I encourage it because the more expensive the wrap, the longer she will have to use it in order to get away without a guilty conscience. Her newest one should keep us going for at least another year.
Food: 8/10
At last, Mummy let me eat what she eats! She gave me my first food about two months ago. I can eat anything now, so long as it is not so small and pesky that I can't get hold of it. I never realised that food could be so much fun! Everybody else is so boring when it comes to eating! I like to rub mine into my hair, see how much of it I can hide under my chin, drop pieces inside my babygrow to save for later (especially fun in those onesies with feet) and use it to paint the kitchen alternative colours.
I have to say, though, that Mummy does not quite reach full marks on this one, because I have noticed that what she serves has become quite samey. I'm sure she has repeated several meals more than once, and she seems to show a dislike for anything sticky or brightly coloured. Odd, because those foods would be the most fun to play with.
Physical Care: 3/10
I still have no clothes. Sometimes Mummy leaves me in a sleepsuit all day - it's not dignified. I've also spotted her putting me in outgrown stuff from my sister. Someone needs to let her know that's not on. I don't care if Abigail did wear a lot of blue; if it has puff sleeves, it's not for boys!
Environment: 7/10
We've been getting out and about a bit recently. I like that - different things to look at. We visited Nanou and Papy, so I had a whole new house to explore. Can't say they let me explore it much. Can't say I agree with Nanou that knitting needles make bad teethers. For a while I thought Mummy had really got the hang of improving things at home, because she brought in an enormous tree and covered it in flashy lights, but then only a few weeks later she took it away again. Odd.
Entertainment Value: 10/10
I live in a family of stand-up comedians, but Mummy is the funniest. You should see her doing the Groovy Moves from Show Me Show Me when she thinks no-one's watching.
Sunday, 6 January 2013
Baboushka
Epiphany always reminds me of the story of Baboushka. It's not just because the story centres around the journey of the Magi, but also because the end of the day of Epiphany has the atmosphere of Baboushka's own visit to the stable: she is the one who sees the aftermath. She's too late. The stable is empty, the special baby has fled to Egypt. It's the atmosphere produced by a bare tree, decorations in boxes, white-looking walls where the cards used to hang.
In one of my favourite moments from Les Miserables (I must see that film before it leaves the cinemas!) Eponine sings passionately about the beauty of the starlit river as she walks beside it imagining herself with Marius. A few lines later, she stops dreaming and sings "He is gone; the river's just a river." So it is for Baboushka: he is gone, the stable's just a stable. The animals have gone back to chewing the cud, the angels have flown, the star has moved on, and much as she might try to grasp some of the holiness of the place, Baboushka knows that she's missed out; and the innkeeper leans impatiently in the doorway, wondering whether his stable might become enough of a tourist attraction that he can start charging people to see it.
Without the glitter and excitement of Christmas, the house feels like just a house. Every year I face the same challenge: how can I at once allow myself to go with the all-important waxing and waning of the seasons, fasting and feasting, celebrating and contemplating, while at the same time remembering that the person whose life I am following is everlasting and consistent? How can a season-dweller worship an unchanging God?
Baboushka gets up and continues seeking the Christ Child (and the song that I've known since my childhood goes, "Baboushka, Oh Baboushka, you'll find him in your heart", but she never seems to listen.) As for me, our family chalked our Epiphany blessings on both doorposts of our house today. The house is not just a house after all: it's a place where children will grow, where friends will be found, where creativity will blossom (well, that's the hope!) and encounters with the living Christ will be had.
Happy new year!
In one of my favourite moments from Les Miserables (I must see that film before it leaves the cinemas!) Eponine sings passionately about the beauty of the starlit river as she walks beside it imagining herself with Marius. A few lines later, she stops dreaming and sings "He is gone; the river's just a river." So it is for Baboushka: he is gone, the stable's just a stable. The animals have gone back to chewing the cud, the angels have flown, the star has moved on, and much as she might try to grasp some of the holiness of the place, Baboushka knows that she's missed out; and the innkeeper leans impatiently in the doorway, wondering whether his stable might become enough of a tourist attraction that he can start charging people to see it.
Without the glitter and excitement of Christmas, the house feels like just a house. Every year I face the same challenge: how can I at once allow myself to go with the all-important waxing and waning of the seasons, fasting and feasting, celebrating and contemplating, while at the same time remembering that the person whose life I am following is everlasting and consistent? How can a season-dweller worship an unchanging God?
Baboushka gets up and continues seeking the Christ Child (and the song that I've known since my childhood goes, "Baboushka, Oh Baboushka, you'll find him in your heart", but she never seems to listen.) As for me, our family chalked our Epiphany blessings on both doorposts of our house today. The house is not just a house after all: it's a place where children will grow, where friends will be found, where creativity will blossom (well, that's the hope!) and encounters with the living Christ will be had.
Happy new year!
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Ten Unanswered Parenting Questions
Here are my top ten unanswered parenting questions at the moment. I expect most of them are unanswerable, too, but I'll happily accept guesses left in the comments box...
1) Why do toddlers 'eat' pretend food (eg carrots) with relish when they wouldn't dream of touching it in real life?
2) What does "There a Christmas on the door to make music" mean? The more words she learns, the less I understand what she's talking about!
3) What is the attraction of cold, muddy water with dead leaves floating in it?
4) Why do babies suddenly decide to stop falling asleep the way they've always done it, and try screaming instead?
5) What's so special about 4.30 in the morning that everyone has to be awake to see it?
6) Why do small children actually ask to watch 'Baby Jake', rather than running for the hills at the mere sound of the opening credits in order to avoid seeing the scariest demon baby in the world?
7) What's with the aversion to hats?
8) How do toddlers know which object in the room is the only one they're not allowed to touch?
9) Why do they make hollow bath toys with tiny holes so that there is no way of getting them dry?
10) When will I next wear matching socks and make-up?
Any more to add?
1) Why do toddlers 'eat' pretend food (eg carrots) with relish when they wouldn't dream of touching it in real life?
2) What does "There a Christmas on the door to make music" mean? The more words she learns, the less I understand what she's talking about!
3) What is the attraction of cold, muddy water with dead leaves floating in it?
4) Why do babies suddenly decide to stop falling asleep the way they've always done it, and try screaming instead?
5) What's so special about 4.30 in the morning that everyone has to be awake to see it?
6) Why do small children actually ask to watch 'Baby Jake', rather than running for the hills at the mere sound of the opening credits in order to avoid seeing the scariest demon baby in the world?
7) What's with the aversion to hats?
8) How do toddlers know which object in the room is the only one they're not allowed to touch?
9) Why do they make hollow bath toys with tiny holes so that there is no way of getting them dry?
10) When will I next wear matching socks and make-up?
Any more to add?
Friday, 19 October 2012
Hoovering the Hall the Robinson Way
Just in case anybody is secretly wondering about the state of my house at the moment, I thought I'd give you a glimpse of how to hoover a hallway the way that I do it. In twenty simple steps...
1) Decide that the hallway needs hoovering.
2) Wait for three days while a large filing cabinet takes up residence in the hallway, waiting to be moved into the study.
3) Wait another couple of days until a day when it's pouring with rain and you have the whole day set aside for nothing other than hoovering the hallway.
4) Get up. Feed the baby. Have breakfast. Feed the baby. Dress two children. Give one of them breakfast. Feed the other one. Clear away breakfast.
5) Well done! Now you have nothing else to do other than to hoover the hallway!
6) Change the baby's nappy.
7) Put a YouTube video of Momo's Rainbow Song on to keep children amused.
8) Look for the hoover. Extract it from the cupboard under the stairs, where it is underneath several random things like toilet seats and pushchairs. In doing so, find the toy hoover. Pull it out, break it, fix it, offer it to the toddler who will ignore it and demand more videos.
9) Find another YouTube video.
10) Look for somewhere to plug the hoover in. Discover that the only electrical socket is behind a large piece of heavy furniture. Spend about ten minutes manoeuvring the bookcase two inches away from the wall.
11) Go to put on another video. Discover that the toddler has got hold of a box of matches and emptied them all over the living room carpet. Collect all the matches. Discover that, once you've emptied a box of matches, there is no way to replace them all in the box so that it closes. Place pile of matches and box out of toddler's reach.
12) Switch the hoover on. Begin hoovering.
13) Notice that the hoover is not actually picking anything up.
14) Try to fix the problem. Fail.
15) Have a break. Feed the baby. Change the baby's nappy. Put on another video.
16) Go upstairs, fetch a second hoover. Put first hoover in cupboard. Repeat most of the above steps until second hoover is plugged in.
17) Put on another video, build a train set and repair a toy car.
18) Change the toddler's nappy.
19) Hoover the hallway!
20) Put hoover away, replace furniture, go to prepare lunch...
1) Decide that the hallway needs hoovering.
2) Wait for three days while a large filing cabinet takes up residence in the hallway, waiting to be moved into the study.
3) Wait another couple of days until a day when it's pouring with rain and you have the whole day set aside for nothing other than hoovering the hallway.
4) Get up. Feed the baby. Have breakfast. Feed the baby. Dress two children. Give one of them breakfast. Feed the other one. Clear away breakfast.
5) Well done! Now you have nothing else to do other than to hoover the hallway!
6) Change the baby's nappy.
7) Put a YouTube video of Momo's Rainbow Song on to keep children amused.
8) Look for the hoover. Extract it from the cupboard under the stairs, where it is underneath several random things like toilet seats and pushchairs. In doing so, find the toy hoover. Pull it out, break it, fix it, offer it to the toddler who will ignore it and demand more videos.
9) Find another YouTube video.
10) Look for somewhere to plug the hoover in. Discover that the only electrical socket is behind a large piece of heavy furniture. Spend about ten minutes manoeuvring the bookcase two inches away from the wall.
11) Go to put on another video. Discover that the toddler has got hold of a box of matches and emptied them all over the living room carpet. Collect all the matches. Discover that, once you've emptied a box of matches, there is no way to replace them all in the box so that it closes. Place pile of matches and box out of toddler's reach.
12) Switch the hoover on. Begin hoovering.
13) Notice that the hoover is not actually picking anything up.
14) Try to fix the problem. Fail.
15) Have a break. Feed the baby. Change the baby's nappy. Put on another video.
16) Go upstairs, fetch a second hoover. Put first hoover in cupboard. Repeat most of the above steps until second hoover is plugged in.
17) Put on another video, build a train set and repair a toy car.
18) Change the toddler's nappy.
19) Hoover the hallway!
20) Put hoover away, replace furniture, go to prepare lunch...
Sunday, 14 October 2012
The Mummy Reports 2
My Mummy has now been my Mummy for nearly five months. It's time I gave her a progress report and highlighted the areas in which she could improve. Here's how she scored in all the essential areas of Mummyhood:
Availability: 3/10
I have been very busy recently persuading Mummy that she must not put me down EVER. Also, she must not ever hand me to anybody else except Daddy, and then only if I'm in the mood for being thrown into the air and shouting. She doesn't seem to understand this at all. She uses silly arguments, like saying that I can't be in the sling while she is carrying a large heavy pot from the oven in case I get burnt. She should just hold it further away from me! It's quite funny watching what she tries to get me to sit happily for a few minutes. I have three different chairs, a pile of playmats, a thing with swingy fish hanging over it, and there's talk of a door bouncer, whatever that is. I hate them all. Daddy brought in a chair from the garage that swings back and forth. Apparently my sister used to go to sleep in it. HA!
Food: 6/10
The milk is still pretty tasty, I suppose. But why aren't I allowed to eat what they're eating? My sister says that I wouldn't like it anyway, but it looks and smells pretty good to me. My sister said I should tell Daddy. She says that he used to sneak her tastes of things she wasn't allowed yet.
Physical Care: 4/10
I have no clothes. Mummy says it is my fault for growing so much. The other day, I ended up out in the garden wrapped in a blanket. Honestly, a chap needs trousers and a coat in this weather however big he's getting.
Environment: 6/10
I've worked a few things out since I last wrote. I can roll over and over, which is fun for avoiding those silly playmats. I can go on my tummy for ages and get a proper look at the carpet. And today I sat up for a little bit and thought it was OK.
We've moved house, too - maybe Mummy paid attention to my last criticisms, because this house is nicer and a bit tidier (not much!) and has a big garden, and I have my very own place in Mummy and Daddy's room which they call Jeremy's Cubby. I don't much fancy sleeping in it, but it'll do for storing all of my stuff.
Entertainment Value: 10/10
Mummy is still very funny. Last night she had a water squirter in the bath and she kept squirting me with it. Priceless!
Availability: 3/10
I have been very busy recently persuading Mummy that she must not put me down EVER. Also, she must not ever hand me to anybody else except Daddy, and then only if I'm in the mood for being thrown into the air and shouting. She doesn't seem to understand this at all. She uses silly arguments, like saying that I can't be in the sling while she is carrying a large heavy pot from the oven in case I get burnt. She should just hold it further away from me! It's quite funny watching what she tries to get me to sit happily for a few minutes. I have three different chairs, a pile of playmats, a thing with swingy fish hanging over it, and there's talk of a door bouncer, whatever that is. I hate them all. Daddy brought in a chair from the garage that swings back and forth. Apparently my sister used to go to sleep in it. HA!
Food: 6/10
The milk is still pretty tasty, I suppose. But why aren't I allowed to eat what they're eating? My sister says that I wouldn't like it anyway, but it looks and smells pretty good to me. My sister said I should tell Daddy. She says that he used to sneak her tastes of things she wasn't allowed yet.
Physical Care: 4/10
I have no clothes. Mummy says it is my fault for growing so much. The other day, I ended up out in the garden wrapped in a blanket. Honestly, a chap needs trousers and a coat in this weather however big he's getting.
Environment: 6/10
I've worked a few things out since I last wrote. I can roll over and over, which is fun for avoiding those silly playmats. I can go on my tummy for ages and get a proper look at the carpet. And today I sat up for a little bit and thought it was OK.
We've moved house, too - maybe Mummy paid attention to my last criticisms, because this house is nicer and a bit tidier (not much!) and has a big garden, and I have my very own place in Mummy and Daddy's room which they call Jeremy's Cubby. I don't much fancy sleeping in it, but it'll do for storing all of my stuff.
Entertainment Value: 10/10
Mummy is still very funny. Last night she had a water squirter in the bath and she kept squirting me with it. Priceless!
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
Why doesn't prayer work on sleepless children?
God, why doesn't prayer work on sleepless children?
I mean, considering your flair with wine and water
your feeding of the five thousand
and the way you have raising the dead down to a T
I would have thought that settling this screaming baby would be relatively easy.
So why doesn't prayer work on sleepless children?
Because it really, really doesn't (I've tried over and over)
and although I've known prayer to work on sickness,
impossible tasks,
broken down vehicles
the weather
and lost property,
it never, never works on screaming sleepless babies.
Is it, Lord, because you were once a screaming, sleepless baby yourself?
Do you sympathise?
Do you remember what it's like to need something,
and not know what it is,
and not have any words for it
only tears?
I suppose this baby is praying too,
crying out to you in the only way he knows,
and you have answered his prayer.
You have given him me.
And you have equipped me for the task:
you have given me a body that can nurture him,
arms that can hold and rock him
a voice to sing to him
a scent that comforts him
and a heart that loves him
even at 3am
even though he is screaming and snotty
and that teaches me about the way in which you love me
which, in turn, leads me to tell other people about the way in which you love them.
In fact, this baby is your evangelist
your teacher and preacher
your intercessor
for me, at 3am
which perhaps is why prayer doesn't work on sleepless babies.
I suppose I should be thankful for that.
(But, God, if prayer can't work on sleepless children,
Please could it work on laundry instead?)
Amen.
I mean, considering your flair with wine and water
your feeding of the five thousand
and the way you have raising the dead down to a T
I would have thought that settling this screaming baby would be relatively easy.
So why doesn't prayer work on sleepless children?
Because it really, really doesn't (I've tried over and over)
and although I've known prayer to work on sickness,
impossible tasks,
broken down vehicles
the weather
and lost property,
it never, never works on screaming sleepless babies.
Is it, Lord, because you were once a screaming, sleepless baby yourself?
Do you sympathise?
Do you remember what it's like to need something,
and not know what it is,
and not have any words for it
only tears?
I suppose this baby is praying too,
crying out to you in the only way he knows,
and you have answered his prayer.
You have given him me.
And you have equipped me for the task:
you have given me a body that can nurture him,
arms that can hold and rock him
a voice to sing to him
a scent that comforts him
and a heart that loves him
even at 3am
even though he is screaming and snotty
and that teaches me about the way in which you love me
which, in turn, leads me to tell other people about the way in which you love them.
In fact, this baby is your evangelist
your teacher and preacher
your intercessor
for me, at 3am
which perhaps is why prayer doesn't work on sleepless babies.
I suppose I should be thankful for that.
(But, God, if prayer can't work on sleepless children,
Please could it work on laundry instead?)
Amen.
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